Review: Don’t Let That Crush Crush You
In this book, the author makes bold to paddle into waters where most parents dread to sail—probably because of their ill-informed perspective of contemporary intersexual relationships—and consequently choose to react with a deafening silence. Also, she touches on a subject that most religious leaders, either because of sheer ignorance or out of condemnable Pharisaic hypocrisy, outlaw and criminalize, being (deliberately) ignorant of it as “a natural feeling and attraction” that is “God’s way of preparing you for the future…”
Funto Abioye, in her third published book, Don’t Let That Crush Crush You, writes on a factor that serves as a universal leveller for all emotionally-alive people.
The book, divided into six chapters, is trice interjected with survey reports of 58 respondents from more than five countries, including Nigeria, Germany, United Kingdom and Canada. In it, the respondents share their stories about what they know about crush, past crushes they’ve had, how they felt, the mistakes they made, and their advice for those who find themselves where they’ve been.
In the first chapter, the author gives a necessary educative introduction on the physical, emotional/sexual, and physiological transformations that everyone undergoes from childhood to puberty.
The second chapter does justice to its title, All You Need to Know about Crush. After justifying the naturalness of crush, the author further describes God as the Master Planner of all things and explains how the hormonal reactions that engineer the crushing process are divinely implanted to fulfil an exclusively marital purpose.
“In God’s plan, you give full expression to sexual feelings within the confines of marriage. Anything outside that is sin against God and the abuse of His gift.” –Funto Abioye.
Within the same chapter, the author boldly declares to those who may be asking about the possibility of one’s ability to take the wheels of his/her own emotions, “Yes! You can control that feeling, and not let the feeling control your life. Take charge of your life.”
For those who have already been crushed, the third chapter tells you the next step: build. As part of the building process, the author highlights reading as a major factor. Sharing her personal experience, she says, “The building process of my own life and destiny started towards the end of my secondary school. Through my dad’s influence, I started reading books… These books were the wings on which I began my flight into the world of discovery. I can boldly say that a lot of gems are interlocked between the leaves of books.”
The result of that? She says, “The quality of books I read made my reasoning different and higher than that of my peers. When I opened my mouth to talk or interact, it was like magic because my friends were amazed at my level of reasoning.”
As part of the building process, the author provides some seeing-eye-dog questions to guide the reader in the “journey of self-discovery.” Capitalizing on the uniqueness of each person’s preferences and destinies, she emphasizes that “having a good and proper understanding” of oneself is key to success in life.
She also unapologetically introduces the God-factor into the purpose-discovery equation stating that since “the spiritual usually affects the natural, if you really want to be successful, you can’t remove God from the equation.”
“Building a relationship with God starts in your closet… I want to tell you that there’s nothing sweeter than living a clean, pure life.” –Funto Abioye
The fourth chapter is a big-sis-to-little-sis heart-to-heart talk. Frankly speaking, she reiterates the fact that it is girls who bear most of the brunt of sexual misadventures. Without mincing words, she registers her displeasure with the faulty parenting methods of these days: “I am angry because parents are not arming these girls with the arsenal and defense mechanisms they need to stay unhurt in these dangerous and evil times.”
The first thing she wants every girl-child to know is that she is beautiful. “When you know that you are beautiful and special,” she says, “a male’s opinion or affirmation doesn’t drive your heart on a dangerous speed that can lead to an emotional crash. Your emotions are so delicate…”
She drums it into the ears (through the eyes) of the every girl that there is a need to have personal standards that should guide their relationship with male friends. She places great value on character, having a good dress-sense, dressing beautifully, modestly, and godly. The author also challenges every girl to dream big despite the underestimation of the woman’s potential in this part of the world.
“Dream big,” she says, “add great value to your life and pursue your dreams into reality.”
The fifth chapter is dedicated to the male folk. The author laments the composition of the society of fathers who are shirking in their responsibilities, and advocates the need to groom men who are responsibility-conscious. “When we do not liberate our young men from the chains and shackles of ignorance, we will continue to breed weak, spineless, lazy and bossy men. Enough of this!” She writes.
With the affectionateness of a concerned counsellor, she writes, “I love you so much dear young man, and I want you to grow up to become a responsible adult, citizen, husband and father… I want you to begin to treat females with dignity… See your manhood as a privilege to share in God’s caring nature. God has released his ‘Shepherdic’ nature into you and you really need to see girls the way God sees them.”
Correcting the wrong impression that chastity is only for girls, the author states firmly that “if you cannot abstain from sex until marriage, your marriage itself may cap-size because of trust issues… Be courageous enough to say no to poisonous relationships.”
“This is the time for you to feed your soul and mind. As a man, you should be intellectually sound, spiritually vibrant, and socially relevant. Read wide and build a strong mind…” –Funto Abioye
The sixth and final chapter of the book attempts to answer the question: When is the right time for courtship/marriage? While punctuating the importance of maturity before marriage, the author proceeds to advice that “if love matters intoxicate you to the point that it wipes out your mental faculty, makes you redundant, stunted and unproductive, then you need to really evaluate that relationship before it’s too late.”
She concludes by encouraging every reader to habit prayers, put God first, and trust in God’s timing. “Marriage is a life-long issue and God hates divorce, so if you must marry, please do it right.”
What you stand to gain from reading this book alone, you may not get from three months of weekly appointment with a relationships counsellor. The book serves as a preventive, palliative and therapeutic measure for heartbreaks, emotional traumas, and psychological breakdowns that normally result from the unadvised handling of a crush situation. The book takes care of both those who might have (had) a crush on someone, and those who are (or have the tendency of) being crushed upon. Who doesn’t?
The author dealt extensively with the issue of crush and related matters. However, I beg to differ a little on the inferred conclusion of the author—and not just her’s, but a common misconception among the majority—that only teenagers are affected by this crush phenomenon.
While it may be true that the feeling begins at teenage years, or earlier in this generation, I strongly opine that it lasts far beyond teenage years, even into some marriages. Otherwise, what other explanation could exist for a husband who lavishly cares for a young woman outside his home while his legally married wife has to survive on a meagre share from their joint account? Or, how do we justify the attitude of a wife who derives pleasure in being in the presence of another man, unburdening her mind to his ‘attentive’ ears, while accusing her husband—justly or unjustly—of unavailability.
Truth is, the underlying factor of almost every extramarital affair is crush.
I recommend this book for all—old and young, male and female, single and married. It is not a book you just read and shelve; read, and re-read, then keep it handy for quick reference. You may already have a score books in the relationships section of your book shelf, but if Funto’s Don’t Let That Crush Crush You isn’t there, that shelf is empty!
For copies of this book, contact the author by clicking here or send a mail to firstname.lastname@example.org
Other titles by the same author include:
- Appetizers for Your Soul, and
- Adolescents and Parents, You Two Can Be Friends